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Call Me Frauline Schmidtâ by Tim Lowe
Persistence â if your online endeavours are to succeed, you will need heaps of it â and Iâve always thought my complete inability to take no for an answer (especially when seeking another helping of tuck from She Who Mustâsâ kitchen) has been absolutely key in everything Iâve achieved, both online and offline.
I believe persistence is a trait that everybody would do well to develop, not least because it was that very trait that recently ensured I did not have to attend a crucial meeting potentially clad only in lederhosenâ
It should have been an uneventful trip âOop northâ â but on arriving at Manchester Airport I found that rather than being presented with my own luggage, my overnight bag had been erroneously collected by somebody else, and in its place was the red case of someone who turned out to be a âMiss Schmidtââ
Now I was able to deduce this because Miss Schmidt had written her name, in large black marker pen, all over her case. I do accept that she and I had near identical red Samsonite cases (not my choice you understand, I would buy grey ones) but one would imagine that Miss Schmidt had previously had some Wally pick up her bag by mistake so she had gone to some lengths to ensure that nobody did it againâ
âsadly the woman was clearly too stupid to remember this âI mean, how daft must you be to worry about losing your bag enough to write your name in 6 inch high letters all over it and then pick somebody elseâs up anyway?
So, I was about to attend a two day meeting, drawing only on the resources provided by what I was currently standing up in â and a bag that contained various items of clothing for a small German woman with an even smaller brain (I make no apologies for being rude about her, as youâll see in a moment I have good reason!)
Initially the staff at the lost luggage desk were every bit as helpful as you would expect i.e. not at all. I suggested calling Miss Schmidt, the old favourite of âData Protectionâ was wheeled out. Surely BA can call their own customers to try and reunite them with their own luggage? Not according to a simpleton at Manchester Airport who I quickly lost patience with âhis boss was marginally less simple and did eventually call Miss Schmidt, who predictably, had turned off her phone.
By now it was lunchtime so I left the Schmidt luggage with the poor misguided soul behind the desk and set off for my meeting in Blackburn with a sort of vague half promise that BA would âtryâ to get hold of Halfwit Schmidt and swap her bag for mine â later.
By about 6pm things had not changed and I had to get ready for entertaining my colleagues at a restaurant in some posh Manor House that specialises in 7 course tasting menus prepared by some cook off the telly â normally I love this kind of thing but not when I have no clothes or toothpaste!
BA reluctantly agreed that if there was anything I needed immediately, I could buy it and I would be reimbursedâ
As you would expect, some items of my luggage were more easily replaced than others â toiletries and suchlike were acquired quickly, however â âBruce the clothâ (the approved provider of the Lowe apparel) was many hundreds of miles away and it was now past the hour when similar types of establishment would be open â so various inquiries as to the whereabouts of a shop which catered to the needs of the fuller figure and was open late led me to become acquainted with an establishment called âMatalanââ They were all out of dinner suits in my size, or indeed anybodyâs size so I had to go to dinner in the clothes Iâd travelled inâat exactly 9pm, during the 3rd course I think, a text informed me that, lucky me, Miss Schmidt had been reunited with her case and mine had been picked up.
I called them for news of my caseâs arrival only to be told that it was âtoo lateâ to bring it âall the wayâ to my hotel and that it would arrive the next dayâso the second day of my trip saw me sat in my meeting sporting a rather fetching âMatalanâ polo shirtâ
âwhich whilst being one of the few things in the shop suitable for the more adequately proportioned gentleman, was a little bereft in the length department, which meant that it could become a midriff bearing affair at a momentâs notice (not something for the feint hearted I can assure you)â and I was beginning to wonder if Iâd have been better off keeping the Schmidt wardrobe after allâ
Still, with dignity vaguely intact and mission accomplished (from a business point of view anyway) I awaited my bag. It was getting towards mid afternoon and still nothing so I calledâhmmmâit seems that my bag was âon the vanâ and âout for deliveryâ at 5pm. That would be 30 minutes after I take offâ
Talk of flying it back to London and delivering the next day, or possibly day after caused much teeth gnashing and then they suggested that I might like to collect it from their van which was about 50 miles from me at the time.
A small tantrum ensued.
Obviously I explained to them very politely exactly what they could do â and exactly how soon they would be doing it â (and into the bargain promised to do something to each and every member of the board of BA, the couriers and anybody else I could think of who might be responsible, that would involve several household utensils and a very long run-up ) â my bag was âmiraculouslyâ delivered to my door 40 minutes laterâ
The man who delivered it was very nice and apologetic and was in fact the fellow who had picked it up from Miss Schmidt the previous evening, about 5 miles from where I was. I got chattingâhe wasnât allowed to bring it to me when he picked it up as it would mean him working after 9pm so my bag went on another little trip back to the depot and so onâand he had nothing but bad words to say about Miss Schmidt.
Apparently she was very rude to him and could not believe that anybody had been so careless as to walk off with her bagâimagine that, itâs all Timâs fault (just like being at home)âI had only walked as far as the left luggage counter with her bag but apparently that somehow exonerates her from all responsibility and evidently she was very cross that it had taken BA a whole an hour and a half after she called to deliver her bag!!!
My name for her that day is unprintable.
Now, If Iâd just allowed myself to become a âvictim of circumstanceâ (as it sometimes can be Very Easy to do) â I think Iâd still be waiting for my bag to turn up today â however due to some persistence and a clear idea of what I wanted to happen, not only did I get what I wanted, but it happened a lot faster than it would have done otherwiseâ
So if youâre not getting the results you wanted â make small changes and keep at it, and repeat this process â or if you are getting excuses instead of the service you require from a provider that is key to your online future, challenge them, politely and persistently until the situation is more to your liking, or (more preferably) exactly the way you want things to beâ
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