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Do Your Beliefs About Money Hold You Back? by Ron Finklestein
As a business coach I do a lot of individual and group coaching. I am seeing the same issue holding people back - their negative belief systems about money.
In a group coaching program I am running I have two people who believe they have to contribute their share to the house hold expenses. This is a good thing; I am not criticizing. In both cases (I have fictionalized the situation to protect the identities of the individuals) each has told me that their significant others would be more then willing to carry more of the load while they got their businesses off the ground and in both cases their belief systems will not allow them to ask for or receive help from their significant other.
In one case, this individual does not want to be dependent financially on anyone though she trusts her significant other and knows he would not abuse the situation. In this relationship the two of them do not appear to have any financial problems (at least none that they shared) but her belief systems will not allow her to move forward. She wants to be safe in knowing that if she moves forward with creating her business she will be successful and at the same time she wants the safety of a job with a steady pay check. She can not have it both ways.
This is a real catch 22. How to get what you want and not feel threatened, weakened or vulnerable by asking for help for someone who wants to help? How can she trust someone with her deepest fears about money? What will they think? What if they think you are silly? Or worst yet, they laugh? How do you face them?
This begs the question of how do you face and move past your fears. I do not have all the answers but let me tell you what worked and works for me. When I first stated my company, AKRIS LLC, I was more afraid then I care to remember. For the first time I needed to really depend on my wife financially. I never had to do that before. She always worked but I was the bread winner. Giving up control and understanding that much of my destiny was in her hands was gut wrenching. But it wasn't about the money. Money was how the problem manifested but it was not the root cause of my anguish. It was about my need to be the strong one, self sufficient, and in control. My belief at the time was that if I was not the bread winner, I could not be in control. How could I set a good example for my children? My self image was threatened because I needed to put my faith and trust in someone else's hands.
Part of my growth as a business person is understanding that it is rarely about money. Money is the symptom of the problem and not the problem. Fear of not having money is not the problem, how we react to the fear of not having money is the problem. The problem is about what money represents to us.
In my case I had negative beliefs about money. I believed that if I had money I would be like my father; not something I wanted. My other negative belief about money was that I had to really be in control or people would take advantage of me. It took me a while to realize that neither was true. I started to ask myself what other belief systems that held me back.
When I started to face my beliefs about money, several other secondary beliefs surfaced. The first question I asked was asked out of fear but it is a good question for a business owner. "What value do I bring that would motivate others to buy from me?" I am a big believer in providing value and as I researched the market for business coaches I thought there was nothing about me the set me apart. As I dug deeper I realized that 30 years of experience is what separates me from others providing the same products and services. Very few business coaches had the depth and breath of experience I had. If I could create processes, procedures and methodologies around that experience, I knew I had a differentiator. But what if they still don't buy? Does it mean I wasted years of my life creating this approach that no one would use?
Again - it's not about money. I agonized about money or the lack of it when the business started. I finally had a powerful realization. I realized that if I wasn't happy doing what I was doing money would not make me happy. Like others I know, I used money as an excuse not to face the realities about who I am and what I believe. There is no need to take risks and put ourselves on the line about what you want and what you believe if our excuse (lack of money) makes it safe for us to avoid these discussions. As the bible says, and I paraphrase: Money in not the root of all evil; Love of money is the problem.
As a business owner and entrepreneur I realized I have to really believe in what I am doing. If there is no emotional connection between my business and how it helps you create the life you want (you need money to do this) it is easy to quit when things get difficult. It becomes too easy to blame others and walk away. That way it is always about the money and not your fear of failure, fear of success, fear of cold calling, or fear of getting out of your comfort zone.
There is so much power in emotions and emotions is the driving force behind our action. There are only two types of people in our world today: those that move away from fear (fear based activity) and those who move towards what they want (goal based activity).
If we look hard at those who move away from fear we begin to understand that pain drives them to make change and only when the pain is great enough will they make a change. The change they implement is designed to stop the pain, not take them towards their goal. Once the pain stops inertia sets back in. They get comfortable. The need to change has left them.
In my experience, this is one of the biggest reasons companies have problems. They make change because they have to; they need to stop the pain. When the pain stops they think the problem is fixed. This is sometimes true but more often than not it is the calm before the storm. If you are making change to stop the pain without a focus towards where you want to go, almost anything can be a short term solution.
If you are the type to move towards what you want you will not stop when the pain stops. You understand that you have not completed the task at hand so you continue; you are committed. My favorite example is Tiger Woods. At the top of his game he completely reinvented his swing because he felt this was necessary to do what no other golfer had done: be the world's best golfer, not just for one tournament or one season but for his entire golf career. It set him back two years while he practiced and perfected this new swing. He is once again at the top of his game. He did not change to move away from pain, he changed to move toward his goal. He endured losing, the media questioning his attitude and ability, and people speculating if his career was over. He kept moving forward because he knew what he wanted.
So what happened when I shared my fears with my wife? I started to become more like Tiger Woods. I wanted to move towards my goal not stop the pain. When I removed the judgment and let the fear surface a very strange thing happened. I shared with my wife my fear. She didn't judge. She didn't always understand but she didn't judge and she supported me the best she could. I wanted her support but was afraid of what it would mean and how it would impact our relationship. In order to help me she learned new skills (resisting the whole time but she did not give up), she did things she never did before (such as learning to sell sewing machines) and as a result our relationship improved significantly. Her skills and confident grew significantly. Our relationship got better because she had her demons to face as well. By sharing with her we faced our demons together.
When you question and share your beliefs two very important things can happen: people start to respond to you differently and you do things you were afraid to do in the past. Many times when you experience the fear it loses its control over you. Business and personal growth, though not the same, are not mutually exclusive. It is very difficult to have one without the other. I find the more I grow as a person the more I grow as a business person as well. I learn how to build processes that drive the behavior I want and I trust people to do their jobs. I ask the hard questions and don't personalize the answers I don't want to hear. I am more inclined to be patient and not force a solution to a problem.
So how do you deal with your fears and beliefs about money? Get them out in the open. Share them with a close friend. Seek out a mentor or visit a councilor. If that is too threatening, write them out. Give them life so you can see the motivation that drives the fear. Be brave and strong and understand that beliefs are nothing but beliefs and they can change. This assumes you will take responsibility for your action. Unless you take responsibility (ownership) for your actions you cannot change them. Move through your fear knowing that nothing but good can happen to you as you expand your horizons. As your horizons expand you will see possibilities where none existed before.
Ron Finklestein, President of AKRIS, LLC, is a small business success expert, business coach, consultant, speaker, author, and trainer. Learn more about Ron's book, Celebrating Success! and the free gift valued $149 available with book purchase at http://www.aboutbusinesssuccess.com
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